Oh crap indeed
by SaidbhinLuch
Summary: Typical SG-1 antics... which is not so typical. Basically, Daniel gets Sam and Jack into a tricky situation, and then Jacob finds out. Humour runs rampant, as does Sam's anger and Jack's unusual reactions. S/J naturally!


**There aren't really any spoilers as such... Set maybe late season 3, early 4... Whichever! ENJOY!**

* * *

'Welcome back SG-1. I trust things went well.' Sam blinked up at General Hammond as the four of them stopped near the end of the ramp in the gate room.

He frowned as he was greeted with a stony silence. Daniel was looking both annoyed and slightly fearful, Teal'c slightly aggravated, Sam herself was fuming, and the Colonel...

Well apocalyptic was certainly the word that popped into her mind. She was fairly sure she could see a vein popping in his forehead, indicating the level of his rage.

And Sam was not inclined to disagree with his sentiments.

'Hey kiddo!' Suddenly four heads whipped around as Jacob Carter strolled casually into the gate room.

The silence this time was deafening, Sam's felt her eyes widen and Daniel gulped, loudly. So loudly in fact that the other three and the SF's looked round at Daniel who shrank back.

'Debriefing in one hour. I'm sure this will be an... interesting one.' The General nodded at them before walking out and leaving them standing there, a measure of frostiness issuing from several of them. Jacob had crossed his arms and was leaning on one leg, with his head cocked at an angle at them.

'So what happened?' Her Dad smirked, in such a way that was reminiscent of the few times Sam had been caught sneaking out as a teenager.

'Ask Daniel.' She muttered stomping past her father knocking in the nervous scientist deliberately and out of the room. Sam heard the Colonel mutter in agreement before spitting out something that sounded like '_before I strangle the life out of the man'_ as he followed her out of the room.

_Not if I get there first, Sir._ She couldn't help but think as she stormed down the corridor towards the armoury and locker rooms.

* * *

Luckily for Daniels sake, Jacob hadn't been allowed into the briefing as Janet had insisted that he needed to be checked out.

Things hadn't gotten much better for the team, the fury at Daniel hadn't abated in the time since they had gotten home to when they had sat down for dinner in the commissary.

Unfortunately, the commissary was so busy that they were forced to sit down together. Teal'c had managed to avoid this by stating that he was in need of a long Kel'no'reem.

Sam found herself thinking some rather unpleasant things about her friend at that, though not as bad as the mental abuse Daniel was receiving.

Her Dad had joined them in Teal'c's place and was having a great time trying to figure out what had happened on their mission.

Daniel, thankfully, had finally managed to learn not to open his massive trap.

Sam was poking rather violently at her jello and the Colonel was just continuously glaring at Daniel.

Daniel was avoiding everyone's eye as he stared down at his mystery meal, poking it forlornly.

'Are you going to tell anyone other than George what happened?' Her Dad finally snapped at the lot of them causing them jump up violently. So violently in fact that Daniel wobbled on the back two legs of his seat and Sam had to fight the urge to kick it over.

The Colonel started gesturing wildly, shaking his head and actually looking rather afraid as Jacob turned from Daniel, who was practically hyperventilating, and stared levelly at the Colonel.

'No, no, no, no, noooooooooooooo!' He almost yelled out, causing everyone else in the commissary to spin round in bafflement at them.

'First you'll want to kill me, then Daniel, then me again, which is so NOT fair as this is all HIS fault!'

'Excuse me?' Jacob's jaw dropped as he took in the almost hysterical dramatics of the man next to him.

'Never mind! I've already said too much!' The Colonel yammered, almost panicked before shoving an inordinately large piece of pie into his mouth, thus preventing further conversation.

Sam watched him and found that she had to suppress a giggle.

Which given the situation was surprising.

Her Dad turned to look at her with the expectation of receiving an answer but Sam glanced down at her bare wrist quickly.

'Oh would you look at the time... I have that thing I have to do... In that place...' She jumped up grabbing the remnants of her coffee, downing it, and darting out the door, knocking into Sgt. Siler in her eagerness to run.

* * *

She skidded into her lab and shut the door behind her before bending over double and breathing heavily.

Why did her Dad have to come to Earth for a visit this day of all days?

Oh the universe really seemed to hate her at times.

Well it wasn't like she could just turn round to her father and just _tell_ him what had happened.

The Colonel wasn't wrong in his belief in that her father, if he did find out, would try to kill him.

The door suddenly moved behind her and Sam yelped in surprised and she jumped away towards her desk.

'Carter! You have to hide me!' The Colonel ran in and ducked behind her desk and peeked out over the edge of it.

Sam started laughing at the sight of the big, fearless Colonel barely looking out over her desk, like a child hiding from an imagined monster.

'This is NOT funny! I am actually afraid that he may kill me! And I know you are too!'

'Kill you? He's going to wring my neck if he finds out! Which is just not fair as-'

'It's all Daniels fault!' The pair finished in unison staring at one another before sighing as one in trepidation. Sam hopped up on her chair and looked down at the Colonel, kicking her legs out underneath her.

'He's going to find out isn't he?' The Colonel stood up and leaned on the desk, grabbing the magnifier and playing with it.

'Most definitely. We do work in gossip central after all.' Sam sighed, leaning back in her chair as the Colonel scrubbed a hand over his face.

'Remind to punish Daniel severely for this.' He groaned grabbing a yoyo from the drawer that, over the past couple of years had somehow become 'his'.

She tried not to think about that, especially given the situation Daniel had managed to land them in, _yet again._

'I won't need to. Please let me help Sir?'

'Are you saying I couldn't handle Daniel by myself Carter?' He smirked over at her, the scarred eyebrow twitching in his amusement.

'You know that I know that's insane Sir. But power in numbers, y'know.'

'I always knew you'd make a fantastic sidekick!' He clapped his hands together in glee and Sam mock pouted at him.

'All I get is sidekick? Honestly Sir, that's just offensive.'

'Fine, my wonderful partner in crime. Better?' He sighed melodramatically placing his hands on his hips and rolling his eyes jokingly at her.

'Much.' Sam beamed at him, before laughing once more. 'Though you did forget brilliant, but I'll let it slide.'

'Gee thanks, throw your 'husband' a bone why don't you.' He muttered sarcastically and Sam continued to giggle at him.

'I am a wonderful 'wife' after all.'

'You're a what now?' Both officers froze as a third voice cut across their conversation. They slowly turned round to see Jacob standing in the doorway, his face dangerously calm.

This time is was Sam who gulped.

The sound of it seemed to echo loudly throughout the lab.

'Hi Dad?' Sam turned to her CO her eyes widened in complete and utter shock. As her Dad turned to face him, she shot him a '_what the hell were you thinking?_' look, to which he shrugged at her, seemingly at a loss.

'You're married?' Jacobs' voice could not have been any icier as he stared the Colonel down.

'Technically speaking, yes. Legally speaking, I hope to god not.'

'Why is my daughter not good enough for you or something?' Both Sam and the Colonel looked at each other in bafflement for a moment before looking back at her Dad in concern.

'I uh- _what?'_

'"_I hope to god not"_?'

Sam groaned loudly as her father glared venomously at the Colonel, who was just staring at the Carters in perplexed disbelief.

'What is wrong with you Dad?'

'It's just that-'

'Daniel accidently got married us and you're insulted over the fact that my _Commanding Officer_ doesn't want to be _married_ to his _Second?'_ Sam at this point, so incensed with her father's bizarre reaction was practically screaming at him. She huffed loudly before shoving him out the door and poking him extremely roughly in the chest.

'If you want someone to give out to, find Daniel. This is all his fault after all.' Jacob just stared in bemusement at his daughter as she shut the door in his face.

Sam sighed as the door clicked shut and she turned round apologetically to the Colonel who was now sitting in her seat grinning madly.

'Sorry about that Sir.'

'Ah it's fine Carter. Par for the course in a marriage after all. Dealing with the in-laws and in-law related situations.'

Sam rolled her eyes and grinned at him.

'What should I expect from my new ones exactly?'

'Oh you don't even want to know... Jake pales in comparison.'

'Hey, you haven't met Mark yet. You'd be hard pressed _not_ to punch him. Issues with the Air Force, etcetera, etcetera.'

'Ain't married life grand? Do you think Daniel has the annulment papers ready?' The Colonel jumped up grinning brightly at her and Sam laughed lightly.

'If he knows what's good for him.'

'Well it's been nice knowing you Major O'Neill.'

'You too Colonel Carter.'

'I am not taking your name.' The Colonel exclaimed loudly folding his arms across his chest.

'Well I'm not having six kids.' Sam mimicked him and cocked her head at him with a blank expression.

'Thank goodness this'll be over soon.' He huffed jokingly, before pausing as they left the room.

'How many times has Daniel gotten us married now, six, seven?' The Colonel wondered out loud as they strolled towards Daniels lab.

'Try eleven.'

'Well, it's always a pleasure Mrs. O'Neill.' Sam giggled lightly as they stopped outside the lab.

'As always Mr. Carter.' Sam inclined her head towards him and smiled at his mock-indignant expression.

'I may be a man of the people Carter, but I am NOT taking your name!' The door slide open just as the Colonel was pointing spectacularly at her, and both Jacob and Daniel just looked at the pair. Daniel sighed and raised a hand to his temple rubbing it wearily.

'Every. Single. Time.'

'Daniel!' Both Sam and the Colonel barked at Daniel, who shrank back as Jacobs' face darkened once more.

'Just_ how many _times have you two been married exactly?'

'Oh crap.' The Colonel muttered head dropping towards his chest.

Sam, once again, was in complete agreement with him.

Oh crap indeed.

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**Yeah, these stories are probably quite common, but I will go where my muse takes me! And this one did make me giggle, which is usually good.**

**Also thank you all for the wonderful response to 'The SGC's own 'Golden Trio'' nice to know my brain's randomness is well received...and on that point... Kalinysta: _Yes I do know that Americans don't use 'bloody' in that context, it was Jack being 'Ron'... 'Bloody Hell!' is sort of his thing after all! But THANK YOU SO MUCH! Great to hear from you!_  
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**Anyways please since you can't tip me with money... reviews are free for you and are invaluable to me! (So cliche but hey if it works? WOO!)****  
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**Enjoy, you wonderful people!  
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